Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
You Might Also Like
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)