ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
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Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
The Birdles
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.