My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
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Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.