Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
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You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.