(Musicians.)
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Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes