My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
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just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install