You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
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Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.