*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
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Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets