[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
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I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
men are simple creatures
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.