Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
You Might Also Like
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”