Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
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What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.