[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
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Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
those birds must be on payroll
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
gentlemen, hear me out
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.