Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
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[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
hackers play passwordle
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
this is what they would have looked like, though
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Me, reading some of your tweets
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage