I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
You Might Also Like
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
#Caturday
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope