Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
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First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Most fashion shows these days…
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
podcasts
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well