Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
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Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I’ve been drinking.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.