I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
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Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
それは草
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Happy weekend !
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.