“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
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My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.