This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
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We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!