Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
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Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I think I’m having a stroke
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.