Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
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My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.