Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
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Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Siri: Retweet me.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session