I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
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When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
me adding lol on a serious message
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan