born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
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I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?