Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
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My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.