My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
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Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers