ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
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*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.