I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
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Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Damn what did I do next
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.