Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
You Might Also Like
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.