Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Miscakes
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.