“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
You Might Also Like
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Life hack
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.