Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
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[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Incredible customer service.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?