freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
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Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
My love language is hissing.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account