Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
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Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.