Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
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This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
😂😂
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big