Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
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*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Somebody call the cops.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.