‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
You Might Also Like
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
this is what they would have looked like, though
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Imma just leave this here…………
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it