I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
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Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
become ungovernable
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be