H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
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It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.