My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
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I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Air conditioning – not a fan
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
I like long walks away from everyone
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]