This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
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can’t talk my ride’s here
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
i wish we could shoplift online