What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
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Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
how to have fun when you’re poor
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.