M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
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I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
WHO DID THIS?
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.