I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
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Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN