*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
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[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
My safe word is Worcestershire
When ur friends with white people
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.