me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
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(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.