Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
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WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
LOOOOOOL
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.