me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
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If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
How dramatic are you?
smh
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Air conditioning – not a fan
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.