Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
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Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.