If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
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Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.